Dr. John Gottman, along with his wife, Dr. Julie Gottman, led a groundbreaking series of studies that identified the four key relationship behaviors that lead to divorce: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling. He coined these behaviors the “Four Horsemen” after the apocalyptic tale to signify just how dangerous they can be when present in a relationship. To help you avoid falling into these deadly patterns, here are 13 couples goals to improve your relationship now, according to Dr. John Gottman’s expert teachings.

13 Couples Goals: How to Improve Your Relationship

  1. Turn towards your partner when they reach out to you. “Gottman research found that in happy, stable couples, it is rare for partners to ignore or not respond to each other’s small and subtle ‘bids’ for connection,” explains Jonathan Shippey, LMFT, a Certified Gottman Therapist and Master Trainer in Louisville, Kentucky. “Instead, they turn toward each other with a response of some kind. In a study of newlyweds, this responsive ‘bids and turning’ process was frequent—around 86% of the time—in couples who went on to build lasting love. But in the newlyweds who went on to divorce within a few years, they were only responding to each other’s bids about 33% of the time,” he recaps. Abiding by the motto, “‘Small things often’ is so much more important than ‘big things occasionally’. For example, if you receive a text from your partner, try to respond quickly, even if your answer is one or two words,” he suggests. “The more demonstrative the response, the bigger the relationship benefit.”
  2. Be proactive about “hot topics.” “It is important for partners to stay on top of hot topics such as trust and commitment, work and money, sex and intimacy, fun and adventure, growth and spirituality, dreams, family, etc.,” says Certified Gottman Therapist and Master Trainer, Mike McNulty, PhD, with the Chicago Relationship Center. “Each is an area that affects the quality of a couple’s relationship life,” he explains, which is why “working on these issues proactively helps make a relationship much more satisfying.”
  3. Don’t let hurt feelings pile up between you. “Among the many pearls of wisdom gleaned from the Gottman Institute’s observations of thousands of people experiencing happy relationships, we learned that loving couples don’t wait too long to share their needs and feelings with each other,” Shippey says. “If something comes up, they deal with it quickly, so as to keep small hurts from growing into major resentments,” he explains—and you should do the same with your partner. “As one participant in one of my recent Gottman couples workshops, said, ‘I want to put this in front of us, so it doesn’t come between us.’”
  4. Establish romantic rituals. “‘Rituals of Connections’ are ways partners regularly turn toward each other over time that keep them close and make their relationship more fun and meaningful,” Dr. McNulty explains, which is why he says it’s a great way to improve your relationship. “Examples of rituals are as small a six-second kiss when you leave for the day or a weekly date night or annual trip.” These create regular, intimate bonding experiences for you to share as a couple that can help keep your relationship strong. Whatever ritual you decide would be most special to both of you, “Agree to it together, write down exactly how it will work, and do it!” he urges.
  5. Learn to repair your conflicts effectively. “This includes listening empathically to your partner’s expression of feelings and exercising an awareness [of] their subjective reality of the conflict (even if it is completely different from your own perspective),” Certified Gottman Therapist, clinical psychologist and organization consultant, Karen Bridbord, Ph. D, explains. “Reflect it back to them by summarizing what you heard. Then, ask them if you got it right, and continue to ask for further clarity until they feel completely understood by you.” What’s important, she reminds us, is that “Even if you don’t agree with their perspective, they need to feel understood by you.”
  6. Build trust by demonstrating what you think of your partner regularly. “Trust is essential for keeping your relationship bonds secure, especially for weathering the hard times,” Shippey says. “While keeping your sexual commitments to each other and living with honesty and transparency are important, what many do not understand is how to build trust as you live through small, everyday moments together. The deeper part of trust takes root and grows when you know and experience that your partner is acting in your best interests, and not merely their own. Every time when, as the Gottmans say, ‘You’re in pain, the world stops, and I listen,’ we strengthen trust and grow ever more confident in our choice of a partner,” which in turn, helps improve your relationship.
  7. Make time for fun as a couple. “Regularly have fun together by scheduling uninterrupted time where you can laugh and play,” Dr. Bridbord suggests. “If you can go out on a date, great. If you can’t, then have some fun at home. Connection doesn’t have to cost a cent.” What matters is that you both make time for it and put in effort so your connection stays alive and thriving.
  8. Talk about sex. “Romance and physical intimacy are fun and promote a stronger sense of closeness and attachment between partners,” Dr. McNulty says. “Partners’ wants and needs evolve over time,” he explains, which is why exploring your changing needs and wants from time to time can help keep your bond healthy.
  9. Accept influence from your partner. The best way to influence your partner is to allow them to influence you,” Dr. Bridbord says. To start enacting this in your relationship, “Ask them for their opinion and consider their wisdom. Thank them for their input,” she suggests. “They will feel both valued and better about you,” as a result, which can improve the quality of your relationship drastically.
  10. Focus on connecting more regularly. “As you discuss things to do with your partner, remember that connecting with your partner is what’s most important,” Dr. McNulty emphasizes. This is critical to improving your relationship because “Partners who catch and respond to each other’s bids to connect are more likely to build friendship and positivity between them,” he explains. To put this into action in your relationship, “Make it a habit of mind to scan for how your partner is wanting to connect with you. Respond to those bids; offer to connect. Don’t miss the opportunity.”
  11. Beware of the “Assumption of Similarity”. The “assumption of similarity” is the concept that says, “If you experience a negative trait in your partner, look for that same tendency in yourself,” Shippey explains. To counteract this breeding ground of negativity, “If you identify an admirable quality in yourself, try also ascribing that attribute to your partner,” he suggests. “Approach conflict determined to say, ‘Let’s fight like we love each other.’ Assumptions of similarity will help you do just that.”
  12. Commit to a “no-electronics” hour with your partner at least every other day. “‘No-electronics’ hours lend themselves to building up positivity between partners,” Dr. McNulty explains. “Partners can catch up on one another’s lives, vent about the stressful things they face outside the relationship, express appreciation to one another, play games, etc.” This works, he says, because “Partners who are better friends or feel more positive about one another have stronger relationships, and work better with their differences.” To make it easier, “Set a convenient time for both partners to do this every other day,” Dr. McNulty suggests. Or, “If weekday time is too difficult to schedule, try to do this at least on Saturday or Sunday.”
  13. Go to a relationship workshop or read a relationship book with your partner. Even if your relationship isn’t in a rut, signing up for a couples workshop, like Dr. John Gottman’s “Art & Science of Love”, will help you and your partner build even stronger relationship skills. Dr. McNulty recommends this one, saying, “This workshop gives the roadmap for making relationships work,” because you’ll learn research-based principles that can help you build intimacy and romance, manage conflict and, ultimately, create a stronger and more meaningful relationship. You can also buy the DVD or work through the exercises in Dr. Gottman’s bestselling book, The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work. While you’re working on improving your relationship, here are 12 ways decluttering your social media can help.