Being a caregiver for someone with cancer comes with a unique set of challenges. Having cancer is one of the most difficult an individual can go through affecting a person on a physical, mental, and emotional level. Caregivers have the crucial job of providing support along the way. However, it can be overwhelming at first, especially if it’s your first time caring for someone with cancer. Filled with doctor and therapist-backed tips, this guide can act as a valuable resource.
How to emotionally care for someone with cancer
Make sure they know you’re there for them no matter what
Do everything in your power to console them. “Spend a lot of time with them and let them feel that you are with them in every condition,” Claire Grayson, psychologist and co-founder of Personality Max, explains.“People with cancer often get emotional, so try to boost their spirits.”
Remain hopeful
It’s normal for cancer patients to experience many emotional low moments, which is why it’s important to be a source of strength and solace. “If you as a caregiver remain hopeful you can keep the hope alive in your patient,” Grayson states. “Everyone has to die one day or other, but it’s only hope that will keep you moving in the worst conditions.”
Spend time with them
Giving the gift of your time is one of the most simple yet powerful things you can do. “Fighting cancer, having chemotherapy, losing all your hair and many other changes in your body are not easy to handle both mentally and physically,” says Grayson. “Read them a book, talk with them about random things. Your time and care will make them better.”
Don’t take mood swings personally
Experiencing so many physical and mental changes can lead to mood swings in cancer patients. “They may be excited about one small thing and may get angry at the same movement,” Grayson explains. “My father never scolded us, but while he was having chemotherapy he used to get angry about every single thing just like a child. Don’t react to that and don’t mind that. Just remember that they need all your love and attention.”
Keep your interactions as normal-feeling as possible
Involve them in your decisions and choices. Ask them to help you with small tasks that they can do easily. Ask them to select dresses for you for a party. Take them out with you, Grayson says.
Avoid telling them how they should feel
There’s no “right” way to feel. Everyone processes this type of stress in different ways. “It can feel helpful to tell the sick person things like ‘at least it’s not worse!’ or ‘be grateful for your doctors,’ but those messages are dismissive and alienating for somebody in a very scary, painful situation,” Sarah Epstein, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Dallas, Texas, explains. “Instead of telling them how to feel, be present for however they feel. It will be messy, but it is a lot more supportive.”
Talk about other things
For some cancer patients, talking about cancer is draining and overwhelming. “Check in to see if they’d prefer to talk about other, more ordinary subjects, even if that feels like avoiding the elephant in the room,” says Epstein. “A little normalcy goes a long way.”
Work to maintain their dignity
Not being able to take care of yourself can damage your sense of self-worth. “Pay attention to the things that the cancer sufferer values that make them feel put together and like themselves, be it a kind of clothing, a set of routines, or social needs. Help them maintain their sense of self and dignity,” Epstein explains.
Allow them to mourn
When a person gets sick, they may mourn the loss of movement, health, and expected trajectory for their life, Epstein says. Make space for their grief with active listening and presence.
Take care of yourself
Trying to juggle so many responsibilities can take its toll, which is why caregiver burnout is common. “A caregiver will serve both themselves and the cancer sufferer by continuing to take care of their own needs,” Epstein explains. “That may be remembering to sleep enough, going out with friends, engaging with the community, or making time for movement.”
How to physically care for someone with cancer
Ask the patient what he/she considers to be the most important issues they face
Let the patient define the area(s) of need, says Crystal S. Denlinger, MD, FACP, Senior Vice President, Chief Scientific Officer, National Comprehensive Cancer Network®. Then offer help or organize a team of supporters to help address specific needs (because you can’t do it all!) This includes tasks such as cooking, shopping, cleaning, transportation, childcare, etc.
Surround yourself with good team players
Who you choose is just as important. The family members, doctors, friends and volunteers you have helped you should be making your job easier. In other words, make sure everyone is on the same page from the start. “As a caregiver, you should be ready to work together with the other people in the recovery of the patient,” Rudolf Probst, MD, specializing in immunology, gynecology, internal medicine and surgery. Make sure that the main focus about opinions, ideas and concerns are geared toward the wellbeing of the patient. Let the patient contribute towards their own recovery.
Take them to doctors’ appointments
Go with them to a doctors’ visit or join-by-phone/zoom so you can ask questions and hear answers they may be too distraught to discern, Denlinger explains. Take notes as appropriate, and review them with the patient if requested.
Get vaccinated against COVID-19 and take appropriate precautions to reduce the spread
Patients with certain malignancies or therapies may be at higher risk of COVID-19 infection, and assuring that those around them are fully vaccinated will reduce the risk to the patient, Denlinger says.
Plan ahead
Avoid emergency planning by creating schedules to show who among the relatives, friends and volunteers should be taking which task and at what time. If you are a long-distance caregiver learn how to be an effective long-distance caregiver. Next, read about what not to say to someone who has cancer—and what to say instead.
Sources
Claire Grayson, psychologist and co-founder of Personality MaxSarah Epstein, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Dallas, TexasCrystal S. Denlinger, MD, FACP, Senior Vice President, Chief Scientific Officer, National Comprehensive Cancer Network®Rudolf Probst, MD, specializing in immunology, gynecology, internal medicine and surgery
